Saturday, August 22, 2015

A Day with My Anxiety (and a Glimpse of Depression)

"You don't deserve this life."

These are the days I feel unlovable, unnoticed, unwanted, un-being. I spend these days in my head, just lying in bed trying to convince myself to get up to use the bathroom, but the demons have me pinned down. They whisper stories of unworthiness and traumas. They convince me the safest place I have is my bed, where no one, no thing, can hurt me. But my body drives me to the bathroom and the shame begins yelling at me. "Where you really not going to go? What is wrong with you? You're driving Matt away and that will be the last straw. He'll leave you in your own filth. No one wants to be with someone so pathetic."

Filth => dirty. (How pathetic.)

Dirty => unclean. (You should shower.)

Unclean => dark heart. (Remember the last time in the shower with the razor?!?! Maybe not.)

Dark heart => fear. (I can't trust you or the world today.)

Fear => run. (Let's go back to bed.)

I crawl back into bed, put on a cartoon I've seen before, and wait for sleep to come. Just going to the bathroom is exhausting. At least in my dreams nothing can hurt me, but the whispers start and sleep is impossible. "What if there's a fire? What if someone breaks into the house and kills you in your sleep?" The world is untrustworthy today. So, I stay awake and watch my cartoons, quietly and with as little movement as possible. I can't let anyone know where I am! "You are such a coward!"

Coward => fear (How pathetic.)

Fear => control (How can we make sure you're safe?)

Control => doubt (You can't control everything.)

Doubt => bravery (But you can control your response.)

Bravery => awake (Let's take a shower.)

I jump in the shower and my inner voice starts whispering to you. "Wow! You mustered up the bravery (Ha! Not the band!) to face your world. You soothed those demons. Even if you didn't get out of bed, you deserve today. You deserve life!"

It's that splinter of hope that gets me through the day. Even if it means I just crawled back into bed, at least I know I'm clean.